Azumanga Champloo
by Jihan Al-Kwasarmi
Summary: No, I'm not kidding. It's Samurai Champloo with the Azumanga Daioh girls. Chiyo convinces a motley crew of female fighters to help her find the samurai who smells like sunflowers. Set in early 17th century Japan. Let the absurdity begin!


**Disclaimer: **This story is completely fictional. Part of this story is different from actual history. Additionally, some of the characters and/or certain elements of said characters have been intentionally changed from their original state…  
**Readers: **YEAH, RIGHT, LIKE WE CARE!  
**Bridgekeeper: **Get on with it.  
**Tim the Enchanter: **Yes, get on with it!  
**Army: **YES, GET ON WITH IT!  
**Disclaimer: **Oh, I'm _so_ enjoying this disclaiming…  
**God: Get on with it.  
****Disclaimer:** (sighs) Fine. If you've seen it before, it ain't mine. If you haven't, it is. That's all. Now shut up and read.

* * *

_**AZUMANGA CHAMPLOO**_

**Chapter 1: Miscellaneous Temperaments**

* * *

A cacophony of crows at sunset. 

Unnecessary alliteration? Appropriate collective noun? Evil omen? Heck, maybe all three. But that's what it was, one of those rare moments when life imitates art.

And death would soon follow suit.

"The rurouni Tomo. The ronin Yomi. The outlaws Kagura and Sakaki. The murderess Ayumu. We hereby sentence you to death by decapitation, by means of your own weapons."

Five young women knelt in a line in the dust of the walled enclosure, their arms bound behind their backs and their heads pushed down into an unwilling bow by the guards. Facing them, surrounded by more guards, stood the speaker: the generic fat-little-man-in-charge. A crowd had gathered at the gate, people jostling each other for a better view.

"So, are you sorry for what you've done? Are you going to beg for forgiveness on your hands and knees?"

Each of the condemned had a unique answer:

"Ha!" said Tomo indignantly. "If I had to bow my head to you in order to live, then I'd rather die!"

Yomi gave a quiet laugh at her friend's defiance. "For once, I completely agree. Same here."

Kagura spat at him, "Go fuck yourself. Maybe that'll work."

Sakaki merely glared.

The speaker fumed, before noticing that Ayumu hadn't replied. He glanced at her, only to find that she appeared to be paying him absolutely no attention – her gaze was wandering all over the place.

"Answer the daikan's question!" yelled her guard, jerking her head at the short, fat man.

"_Ano,_ how should I put it…ah! _Nandeyanen!"_ she said, smiling cheerfully. The other women suppressed their giggles, while the daikan clenched a fist.

"Fine," he growled. "Since you want it so badly, we'll send you to the next world right now!"

Four of the five guards raised their appointed weapons. The largest, strongest one, who'd been assigned to Sakaki, made a valiant effort, his muscles bulging and veins protruding, before he unsuccessfully – and ungracefully – collapsed backwards. The execution ground to a halt as the other four all paused.

**

* * *

****One day earlier:**

Sakaki was running out of ideas. "Um…give them to someone else."

"Now _that_ just sounds weird," remarked Yomi. But really, she wondered, how exactly would you go about transferring your hiccups to another person? On the other hand, none of the other methods had helped, not even drinking water with a closed nose and ears, or being punched in the solar plexus.

Yomi noticed the stare Osaka was giving her. It might've been intent, were it not for the interspersed "hic!" that escaped from her mouth every few seconds. "What are _you_ looking at?" Yomi asked, provoking an "oh, nothing" and a different target.

Sakaki now looked distinctly worried. "You might actually be sick," she said. "You should go to the hospital…"

"Sick? Sick how?" interrupted Osaka.

There was an uncomfortable pause. Then came the reply: "In the brain."

"My _brain?"_ Osaka was outraged, while Tomo and Yomi seemed far less appalled by the idea. "Well, something _does_ seem to be weird with your brain…"

"Meaning?"

"It just seems a little odd sometimes."

"You mean you've noticed _symptoms?"_

"Well, I don't know if they're symptoms or not, but…"

Chiyo-chan observed the exchange silently, before realizing something crucial. "Hey!" she said, raising her voice above the others'. "Your hiccups have stopped."

Everyone present was immediately silent. The classroom clock ticked ten seconds by.

"You're right!" Osaka burst out. "_Yatta!_ They've stopped. All's well that ends well." She smiled joyfully – half a school day's worth of constant hiccupping can be rather painful, and the relief was considerable.

"I wonder what made them stop," Chiyo-chan thought out loud. "Yeah, was it something we did?" asked Tomo.

Then it happened, as cheesy an occurrence as the killer in a teenage horror movie coming back to life: Chiyo-chan hiccupped.

**I said, ONE DAY EARLIER!**

Stop. Page back to a time somewhat after the beginning of the Tokugawa bakufu. Continue.

**That's better. Here we go:**

A gentle, refreshing breeze drifted past the restaurant and down the alley, spinning a four-armed origami windmill on the wall to the left of the entrance. It did not, however, provide any refreshment for the people inside. That was Chiyo-chan's job.

"Hey, are the dango done yet?" called a customer.

"Yes, yes, right away!"

A short, teenage girl hurried over. She wore a pinkish kimono with a few large flowers printed on it, and her orange hair was done up in twin pigtails. The overall effect, topped off with a perky smile, was particularly cute. "Sorry to keep you waiting," she said as she began to serve her distinctly thuggish-looking-and-immune-to-cuteness customers mugs of tea from the serving tray she carried.

"You're slow, you idiot," grumbled one of them, a bald man who wore a red bandanna instead of hair. Chiyo twitched fractionally, but didn't allow her smile to slip. She apologized once more and retreated to the kitchen, answering another inquiry about the dango with a "_hai!"_ that bordered on annoyance.

At another table sat a young man with a head of blonde hair – obviously a dye job, since his Vandyke was black. On the table in front of him stood several sake bottles. "I'm bored," he said lazily, half-heartedly groping one of the women sitting next to him.

"What's _with_ today's customers?" Chiyo asked the middle-aged couple working in the kitchen.

"Now, now, Chiyo-chan," said the man, who was fanning the fire.

"But…"

She was interrupted by the woman, who was cleaning a pot. "That blonde one is the son of the daikan."

One of the blonde's friends was showing off his sword. "Hey, look, it's brand new!" he proclaimed, holding it up in the air. "I kinda want to try it out on someone."

As he looked down, he caught the eye of an old man sitting at the next table. "What're you looking at?" he demanded, causing the old man to look away quickly.

"Hey! I'm talking to you!" Evidently displeased with the reaction,he used his sword to knock the old man's tea over so that it spilled on his hands. The old man exclaimed in pain, while the rest of the louts laughed.

Chiyo decided enough was enough. "Now hang on a moment! You..." but she got no further as the proprietors grabbed her from behind and pulled her back into the kitchen, one hand over her mouth.

-( )-

"Odaikan-sama, I beg you, if you take that away from us my whole family will have to commit suicide! Please, have mercy!"

A man was on his knees in the middle of the road that lay directly on the riverbank. His pleas were directed at the litter set down ahead of him. Three guards in olive-green robes stood between the man and the litter, while six wearing dark blue observed from behind. A crowd of onlookers had gathered on each side of the spectacle.

Inside the litter, the daikan puffed at his long-stemmed pipe. He lazily raised one hand and extended it, palm outward, to the crouching man, who hastily dug around in his kimono before finding his money and handing it over, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. In the crowd, another pair of eyes narrowed, hidden in the shade of a straw hat.

The daikan opened one eye and looked at the contents of his hand as the other man stepped back. "What the hell's this? You call this money?" he yelled indignantly, throwing the coins at the poor soul, who in turn began to sob. The leaderspoke to the three nearest guards. "Kill this insolent fool," he said.

As the green-clad guards moved towards their cowering, trembling target, the wearer of the straw hat stepped forwards, only to be stopped by a hand on the shoulder from the person behind. "It's not a good idea to interfere. Those guys are deadly – they're top class among the Yagyu and even well known in Edo. You wouldn't win even if you had backup. Understand?"

All the responsethe man got was a shrug that dislodged his hand. Straw Hat continued forwards.

-( )-

The paper windmill was still, but a casually flicked finger sent it spinning again. "Ah…welcome!...oh?" said Chiyo-chan, as the door-hanging was pushed partially aside and two new prospective customers entered. The "oh?" was a response to their strange appearance.

Both were female, although curiously equipped: one wore shorts and a red three-quarter-sleeved jacket, and carried a naginata, while the other wore a navy blue robe with a katana and wakizashi at her hip – the weapons of a samurai. As they seated themselves on the nearest bench, they glanced briefly over the rest of the room.

"Water," said the red-jacketed one, resting her naginata against the wall.

"Water?" asked Chiyo, unsure of the request.

"That's what I said," came the reply.

"Um…we only serve paying customers here. I can only get you water if you buy something."

The blue-robed woman sighed, pushing her spectacles up to the bridge of her nose while getting back on her feet. "Come on, Tomo," she said with a resigned air. "Let's find somewhere else."

Instead of standing, Tomo beckoned Chiyo to come closer. Chiyo stepped forwards and leaned into whispering range. "How about fifty dango?" said Tomo, _sotto voce._

"What?"

"A trade. I'll get rid of those guys for you."

The bespectacled woman groaned. "Not this again."

"Hey, I'm not hearing any bright ideas from _you_ for getting food, oh intelligent one," Tomo shot back.

During this little exchange, Chiyo had shot a quick look back over her shoulder and made a decision.

"Twenty," she said.

"Huh?"

"Twenty dango."

"You've gotta be kidding. I'm not settling for one less."

"You there! Hurry up with that that tea!" The blonde's voice had Chiyo hurrying over to the other side of the room with her tray. Unfortunately, a misplaced sandal found itself under her foot. She tripped, fell, and sent the tea flying to land all over the governor's son.

The man's sullen face darkened as tea dripped from his features. "What…the…_hell?_" he ground out.

Chiyo cringed. "Um…I'm really sorry," she replied as sincerely as she was able. "It wasn't on purpose."

"You little pest. Just how do you plan to make up for this?" Two of the cronies at another table stood up and stepped behind her. "I suppose a finger will do," he said casually.

Chiyo drew in a breath of surprise, then gasped as she was grabbed from behind and shoved forwards to lie face-down on the table. Her protests were all ignored as the guy with the new sword stepped up. "Hey, boss, please let me do it. I've been wanting to test my sword." He drew it.

"Tadachiki-san!" cried Chiyo, before remembering that her dog was tied up outside the back of the shop, unable to come leaping to her rescue. "Someone, please help me!" As she glanced towards the two armed women near the door, she saw one put a hand on her sword. The other, Tomo, stopped her.

"Hold on a moment there," said Tomo. "We don't have to do this for free."

"But he's about to cut her finger off!"

"And I'll stop him for fifty dango. If that's not a bargain then I don't know what is."

DespiteChiyo's efforts, the men were too strong for her to move even the tiniest bit. "Stop struggling, or it'll be more than just your finger," said New Sword.She began to shiver in terror. "Now what else would be good? Nose? Ear? Or maybe…"

-( )-

"That money should be plenty," the governor sneered from his litter, indicating the coins scattered around the grovelling man. "It's said that you can cross the Sanzu river with six mon." Helaughed at his own joke, while the other seethed in impotent rage.

"You're in the way. I can't get past."

The voice was definitely female, and it came from the straw hat wearer, who was now standing beside the surprised petitioner.

"You…who are you?" asked one of the green guards, not trying to hide the astonishment in his voice.

The woman wore an open white jacket and loose white trousers. Her midsection was wrapped in bandages. More surprising than her street-punk-attire, however, was the nodachi she carried slung across her back. The hat still hid her face.

When she gave no reply, another guard inquired, "Are you going to interfere?"

"Do you really think it's honourable, carrying out every single order your lord issues?" she asked them levelly.

"Of course," said the first guard immediately.

"Even if your lord is a worthless piece of shit?"

At this, all three reached for their swords and shifted their stances. "You should watch your mouth!" one of them warned.

The woman remained still, but her tone of voice became more challenging. "Is this what you've honed your skills for? Killing innocent people on the whims of some greedy little toad?"

"I said, watch it!"

"What I'm trying to say is…" She slowly removed her hat; short, chin-length chestnut hair framed her face, while a red bandanna kept it out of her now glaring eyes. "…you're pathetic."

"That's enough! Prepare to die!"

The three guards charged. The hat flew up into the air with a flick of her wrist.

-( )-

"One hundred dango!" cried Chiyo.

"Huh?" said New Sword. This was echoed by the two in the kitchen, who had been watching in horror. Then a chuckle from the opposite corner drew their attention, as Tomo stood up and grasped her weapon.

"Well, guys, looks like your lives ain't worth shit. One hundred for the lot…that's five dango apiece, right?" At this, her friend kicked her in the behind.

"Your maths is way off, baka! It's more like _ten_ dango!"

"Ouch! What's the big deal?"

New Sword turned to face this new threat. "Are you fucking with me? You've got some balls, bitch."

Tomo smirked. "I'm sure you wish I did." This earned her a glare.

"Now you're just _asking_ for me to test my sword on you."

"Bring it on."

He charged. Tomo thrust her naginata forwards, extending it inside her enemy's guard, and brought the blade down. With a thud and a clank, the guy's severed arm landed on the floor, still clutching the brand new sword. The man let out an anguished yell and pressed his remaining hand into the wound in an attempt to staunch the blood flow.

Tomo shifted her grip, holding the weapon like a bo staff. A feral glint appeared in her eyes. "You know what, forget about that one-at-a-time crap," she called out to the rest of the goons. "I'll take you on all at once!"

Immediately, three of them drew their swords and rushed at her. The first one was dodged, the second parried and knocked away with the butt of the spear, while the third took the broad blade right through his chest. A little kick sent the newly dead flying into two of his former friends, tripping them spectacularly. Chiyo-chan made a run for the kitchen, and hid behind one of the doorposts.

Meanwhile, as the second attacker stumbled backwards, arms flailing for balance, he found his blade suddenly stopped. Steadying himself, he turned to see a slim, pale hand, holding a tanto in a reverse grip; the tanto's blade had caught his sword's, stopping it in mid-air. The hand's owner, a girl he hadn't even noticed previously, continued to eat her dango slowly and with great relish, paying no attention to the nearby altercation.

If he had been slightly more intelligent, he would've noticed that had it not been for her reflexes, his sword would have sliced her throat open rather messily and accidentally. However, intelligence is not a required attribute of thugs and hangers-on, and this guy was no exception. Taking the drawn weapon as an indication that the girl wanted to join the fight, rather than a defensive measure, he drew his sword back and thrust it at her, point first.

In a flash, she had switched grips, and redirected his lunge into the table. Before he could even attempt to pull the sword out, a kodachi appeared in her other hand, and was promptly plunged between his ribs.

One of the others saw this incident and rushed to avenge his friend, aiming a savage overarm strike at the delicate-looking girl. Half a second later he fell dead, the clean dango skewer lodged through one eye into his brain. The girl resheathed her weapons inside her indigo cloak and started on her last stick.

The rest of the thugs were occupied with Tomo, whom they seemed somewhat hesitant to approach. "What's the matter?" she taunted. "You guys suddenly turn chicken on me?"

"You really are an idiot, aren't you?" Tomo halted in surprise. It wasn't Yomi's voice, this time – it came from right behind her. A glance over her shoulder identified the source as the blonde guy, who appeared to be the leader of this little crew. He was sitting smugly on a bench against the wall, both hands resting on his vertically-balanced wakizashi. "You obviously don't understand the situation at all."

"Huh?" was her response.

"My dad is the daikan of this area," continued the young man arrogantly. "If you mess with me, you'll pay for it. Bigtime. In fact, you'll probably never see daylight again. Get it?"

Tomo walked towards him grimly.

"It's not the warring states era anymore. You can't just go swinging your weapon around any way you liiiIIIIKE!"

On the last word, she deftly slashed off his topknot. A cold sweat broke out on the governor's son's face. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" he asked.

Her reply was succinct: "No. Not a word."

"But it's just common sense in today's society!"

"I don't give a fuck about this 'common sense' of yours." Tomo's mouth twisted into a disturbing grin. "'Cause I'm from Ryukyu."

The blonde-haired man's jaw went slack from horror.

-( )-

As her hat flew up into the air, she grasped her nodachi with both hands and flipped it from her back over her head and to her left side. The huge blade flashed out of its sheath, first to the right, then back across to the left.

For a moment, everyone stood still. Without the sword slung across her back, the awed spectators could clearly see the kanji for "bad" adorning the back of her jacket.

Then, as her hat came fluttering down, the woman deftly caught it with her left hand, and replaced it on her head. As if waiting for that specific signal, the three guards slumped to the ground, severed horizontally and very dead.

The governor's jaw went slack with amazement; his pipe fell from trembling fingers as the woman walked towards him. When she thrust her blade out so that the point grazed his neck, he spewed out a stream of words: "Don't! Please don't! I'll give you as much money as you want, so please don't kill me!"

"No." Her voice cut through his babble in the same way her sword had cut through his guards. "You're not even worth it." Turning around, she flicked the blood off her blade and sheathed it. She then stooped and picked up three gold coins from the ground around the groveller.

"I'll take these," she said, and casually strode off the way she had come. Behind her, she heard the governor yell, "Go after her and capture her!" Then, "You cowards!"

-( )-

The daikan's son was trying desperately to keep himself together.

"Right now, with my father, are three of the strongest Yagyu. They're his personal bodyguards."

This seemed to catch Tomo's interest. The boy took it as a good sign. "How's that? You getting frightened yet? Starting to regret what you've done?"

The grin reappeared on Tomo's face. With one foot she swept the wakizashi out from under the guy's hands, causing him to yelp, apologise, and shield his head with his arms. "Give me your hand," she demanded. Hesitantly, he extended one, and flinched when she grabbed it.

"Listen up, all of you!" she yelled. "I've gotten bored of fighting you guys. You've got until ten to get those Yagyu here, and you'd better hurry, 'cause I'm gonna use these fingers to count! One!" With an easy movement of her thumb, the little finger bent back with a snap. The daikan's son screamed out in pain. One of his hangers-on began edging to the door. "Two!" There was another crack, and two of the men ran. "Three!" The man's screams were more or less continuous now.

"Four…oh, what the heck, I'll just do them all!"

"Wait! Wait just a second, please!"

Suddenly, a movement in the doorway caught his eye. All heads turned, except the indigo-cloaked girl's; she was contemplating the dango stick she'd removed from the head of her second victim. Skewered upon it was a gelatinous sphere and a few lumpy pieces of grey matter. After a moment of consideration, she shook her head, threw the object away and began sipping at an abandoned mug of tea.

The grisly kebab landed at the kitchen entrance, but the occupants were too intent on the new arrival to notice. White jacket, white trousers, bandages, nodachi. I've already done the description, no need to repeat it in too great detail.

Upon removing her hat, the young woman noticed the considerable tension in the room,in addition tothe bodies and broken crockery. The daikan's son spoke first: "Are…are you one of the Yagyuu?"

She raised an eyebrow. "I apologise; I didn't mean to interrupt," she said, as she moved to exit. However, Tomo's voice stopped her before she could take a step: "Are you one of the dangerous guys?"

The woman gripped her sword hilt; that was enough for Tomo, who charged, aiming a stab at her new target's neck. Her opponent spun round and partially unsheathed her sword in one movement, simultaneously parrying the oncoming spear with the revealed section of blade. She then spun her weapon up, shooting her scabbard directly at Tomo's face.

For her part, Tomo was already within her opponent's range, with her weapon already extended, and had too much forward momentum just to jump back out. Instead, she flipped herself backwards to avoid the flying sheath, and continued the somersault by pushing off against the sword tip with a metal-plated sandal. Landing back on her feet she straightened her grip.

"I'mwho you're looking for," said the brunette. "The Yagyu died just a little while ago."

"Died?"

She nodded proudly. "I killed them."

Tomo's face lit up. "Even better!" she said, making another attack, and the two began to fight in earnest. Walls and tables were slashed by the blows of the huge nodachi, while Tomo's naginata whirled and spun as she dodged and weaved, always just out of range and using any object that might come to hand in order to distract the other fighter. A hurled table was promptly split in two, but gave Tomo the opportunity to lash out with a surprisingly fast series of kicks. Her opponent retreated somewhat, and found herself against an upended table, behind which the apparently-not-so-oblivious girl had taken shelter, in order to enjoy her tea in relative peace. She raised her sword and aimed a cut at her opponent, who was doing likewise.

There was a clang as both slashes connected, though not where they were anticipated to do so. Tomo's friend had stepped into the fight, a weapon in each hand, blocking the naginata with her wakizashi and the nodachi with her katana. "Okay, that's enough," she proclaimed.

"What'cha do that for, Yomi? I was just getting started!" Tomo was outraged by the intrusion.

Yomi sighed. "First of all, you're not getting any dango for dealing with _her,_ remember? It's entirely your fault she's adding to the disturbance. Secondly, and trust me on this, it's a _really_ bad idea to go up against someone strong enough to use a nodachi the way _she's_ using it." Turning to the other girl, she said, "Sorry about my friend, she's kind of crazy."

"Hey! I resent that!"

"But you are."

"Well, yes, but you're implying she'd beat me!"

"I would, too." The subject of the argument joined in.

"Not a chance in hell!"

"Is that right?"

"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!"

"Excuse me…" came a soft voice from the doorway, effectively cutting off the argument. Once again, all heads turned, this time including the kodachi user's, which peered round from behind the upended table. And with good reason, too. Chiyo gasped.

The new arrival's most extraordinary characteristic was her height; she was clearly over six feet tall, and obviously strong, too – she carried an object longer than herself, wrapped in cloth, on one shoulder. Her loose, jet-black hair fell to below her waist, around which she wore a pale-pink obi sash, over a pure white kimono. Strangely enough, the kimono was adorned with stylized patterns of a mother cat carrying a kitten on its back, also in pale-pink. This cute design contrasted with the severe expression of the woman's beautiful face.

"I hope I'm not intruding," she said as she stepped forward, addressing the proprietors, moving with the grace of a Noh performer, "but what kind of food do you serve here?"

"Wait a moment, I remember you!" This burst out of Tomo's ex-opponent before anyone else could say a word. She was staring at the tall woman, her eyes wide with recognition. "Yeah! You're Zanza Sakaki! The only woman, heck, the only _person_ who can use a zanbato properly!"

All eyes fell on the wrapped object. A _zanbato?_ Impossible! And yet…

"I fought beside you at the battle of Sekigahara…you must've taken down at least a hundred men by yourself, no one could even get near you! It was so cool!" Sakaki blushed somewhat at this praise and the stares of amazement from the others, and lowered her eyes slightly. "Anyway, d'you remember me?" continued her admirer. Sakaki considered this for a moment, then shook her head. The other woman's face fell slightly.

"You don't? Not at all?" Another shake. Silence. Then, her enthusiasm returning, "Oh well, never mind. I'm Kagura, ex-soldier, now fighter-for-hire. It's great to see you!"

Sakaki returned Kagura's bow, not forgetting her manners in surprise.

Suddenly, the daikan's son, who had been relatively silent for a while now, burst out: "What the hell is wrong with this place? Is it a gathering spot for insane women or something?"

Five pairs of eyes froze him with their collective glare. He gulped as Tomo reached for his hand again, but a new, slightly dreamy voice interrupted her. "Whaddaya mean by 'insane', anyways?"

"Huh?" he uttered. Then everyone noticed the girl in the indigo cloak, sitting by herself, staring at the dango stick she was sharpening with her tanto. She continued to speak in a softly accented voice: "D'ya think sanity is decided by the majority? 'Cuz if that's true, then a lunatic's jus' a minority of one…one poor guy who's completely alone." Pause. "Unless he's a girl…no, hang on, how can a guy be a girl? That don't make no sense…" She lapsed into thought, absently twirling the stick with her fingers.

There was a long moment of silence, during which all the listeners experienced a mental "errrrr…" The girl paid no attention – she was used to this reaction.

Then the governor's son decided he'd had enough. "That's it. We're out of here. Time to cut our losses and run. C'mon, guys." He stood up.

"B…but boss…" One of the three remaining hangers-on pointed at Sakaki, who was blocking the door. "For goodness's sake, just kill her if she doesn't get out of the way!" yelled his master, panicked beyond all reason. Kagura grinned as she saw the pupils of Sakaki's eyes shrink; the men made no attempt to move. "Do it!" yelled the blonde man.

As the three men rushed her, the semi-giantess whisked her burden off its resting place on her shoulder and threw it, horizontally, at her attackers. Only the foremost one ducked in time; the other two simultaneously took the zanbato right in the chest. Luckily, they caught the flat of the blade, and instead of being dissected, they were only flung back right across the room, knocking themselves unconscious. Thezanbato was stopped by one of the wooden pillars and clattered to the floor.

The remaining goon smiled: she'd thrown away her only weapon! Now he'd definitely be able to win! He roared as he charged forwards, his sword raised high above his head. Suddenly, his confidence turned to panic as he noticed she'd somehow stepped inside his guard without him noticing. She seemed to shudder, and her arms blurred as she touched him with both hands, just below his diaphragm.

He stopped, completely still. Then his face turned a curious shade of green. Sakaki stepped around him and went to retrieve her possession as the unfortunate man sank to his knees and, without further ado, began to vomit copiously. The only other sound audible was the thud of a person collapsing to the ground: the governor's son had fainted.

Tomo turned to Chiyo-chan. "So, how about those hundred dango, then?"

Chiyo noticed a decidedly burnt smell. A quick look around the kitchen revealed its source: "Oh no! I'm so sorry, this batch is burnt! We'll start…"

"And the rest of you can burn too!"

A one-armed man stood at the restaurant's entrance, a crazed look on his face, one of his feet tipping a sake bottle to spill its contents all over the floor. Yomi had just enough time to remember him as Tomo's first opponent before he dropped a burning rag into the puddle of liquid. A sheet of flame leapt up, immediately singeing the door-curtain and spreading where other bottles had been spilled. In seconds, the room was ringed in flame.

Chiyo ran for the nearest exit, hot on the heels of the owner's wife. A series of barks met her ears, and she ran to untie a huge, white-haired dog from his position leashed to the rain barrel. The normally even-tempered canine was jumping around, frantic to get away. She made quick work of the knot; Tadachiki-san bolted, and she was about to run after him when she realized that none of the other occupants of the restaurant had followed her outside.

Then she heard a tremendous crash.

* * *

Tomo glanced around wildly, but all she could see was leaping flames. Next thing she knew, her naginata was on fire, even the blade – how hot must it be for metal to burn? – now it was her jacket's left sleeve – what the heck was Yomi doing, taking a bath at a time like this? – now her hair! – "AIIIIIEEEE! COLD!" she yelled. 

_What the…_

_Fire? Cold?_

Splash!

Tomo opened her eyes, and immediately wished she hadn't. Her head was hurting more than the last time Yomi had used her as a practise dummy for her special Double Chop. After a moment, her vision focused: she saw drops of water falling, and the lower halves of a number of people standing in front of her. She lifted her head, assessing the situation.

She was tied to a pole that was planted in the ground just inside a building that was itself positioned against the wall of a large enclosure. To her right, Yomi was restrained in a similar manner, and the tall silhouette further on was probably that Kagura woman. That was as much Tomo could make out in the fading light. "Hey…what's going on here?" Tomo asked dazedly.

"Don't you remember?" said Yomi.

Tomo thought back. "So it wasn't a dream? I remember everything suddenly caught alight."

"No," Yomi sighed. "It wasn't a dream."

"Oh yeah, then you stripped off completely and took a bath."

The ponytailed girl's eyebrow twitched. "No, that bit was a dream."

"Right. Okay." Tomo nodded, then asked, "So how did we end up here?"

"Well, you tried to run out through the kitchen exit, but you panicked and got your spear stuck across the doorway so that none of us could get out. And then the roof collapsed on our heads."

There was a pause, during which another splash could be heard; someone else being woken up. "Oh," said Tomo.

"Oh? OH? Is that all you can say?" Yomi sounded furious, so Tomo reflexively remained calm. "Well, I don't remember, but that does sound like something I'd do," she responded.

"And thanks to your stupidity, my son died in that fire." The daikan said as he strolled along the line of restrained women, his hands clasped behind his back. "Fortunately, this place is called the torture department, and these gentlemen here know _juuust_ the way to take care of you until your execution tomorrow." He gestured to the surrounding guards, who grinned lecherously. "As a matter of fact, I think I'll join in. Starting with you," he said, reaching up and gripping Kagura's chin between his thumb and forefinger.

-( )-

As the sun sank closer to the mountains ringing the bay, its light drifted from yellow into orange, bathing the ruins of the restaurant in a different, gentler kind of flame. The familiar (and tremendously overused, in this author's opinion) chirping of cicadas registered on the edge of Chiyo's hearing as she pressed her foot against the end of a scorched wooden beam, breaking a chunk off. Beside her, Tadachiki-san looked up at his mistress and whined softly.

"Chiyo-chan." She turned. The owner and his wife stood in the road, the few belongings they had managed to salvage strapped on their backs. "It really is a shame, especially for you," said the owner.

"No, that's not what I…"

"Since you don't have any relatives," interrupted the owner's wife, "you can come with us if you want."

"No thanks, it's alright." Chiyo replied, stretching her arms forward with interlaced fingers and smiling reassuringly at the kind couple. "This has made me finally make my mind up."

Both man and wife were equally surprised.

-( )-

Several seemingly endless and agonizing hours later, the five convicted young women lay on the floor of their cell, too sore to move much. Inevitably, someone broke the silence:

"He should've used a spoon."

"What?"

"The daikan. He should've shoved the handle of a large wooden spoon up his ass. Or perhaps a banana. That works for some guys who have trouble getting it up."

There was a pause as four of the occupants made a mental effort to remove the disturbing images the fifth had inspired from their minds. Then Yomi spoke: "Pardon me, but what is your name?"

"Ayumu," replied the speaker from somewhere beyond Yomi's feet.

"Right. Ayumu-san, please refrain from saying _anything_ more on that subject."

"Okay. _Nandeyanen._"

That caught Tomo's attention. "Are you from Osaka?"

"I lived there for a while."

"Thought so. Anyway, it's a good thing he _didn't_ use a spoon. For all our sakes."

"Yeah," agreed Kagura. "It's also a good thing he's petty enough to go on an if-I-can't-do-it-no-else-one-can tantrum. I really didn't fancy spending the last night of my life being gang-raped."

"Me neither. Too bad you're gonna die a virgin, Yomi. Some girls have no luck."

"Hey! Just because my standards happen to be somewhat higher than yours…"

"And your thighs happen to be somewhat thicker…" Tomo's voice verged on sing-song.

Yomi growled and was about to reach for Tomo's hair when she heard Sakaki speak: "There's nothing wrong with being a virgin. It's a matter of personal choice."

_Even after all that torture, she still sounds serene,_ Kagura thought. _Matter of fact, I don't think I heard her scream once._ As rolled over onto her stomach, a shape on the other side of the bars caught her eye. She looked up.

"_Yare yare,_ they really roughed you guys up, didn't they?" It was the little waitress from the restaurant. Beside her stood a large dog, its tongue lolling. The others immediately adjusted their positions so that they could see her. "What are you doing here?" asked Kagura.

"If you promise me something, I'll help you get out of here," Chiyo replied, holding up the key she'd 'acquired' from the bald guard – with Tadachiki-san's help, of course.

"For real?" said Tomo in disbelief. Chiyo nodded. "Well, count me in." There was an "Alright!" from Kagura, a "sure thing" from Ayumu and a "very well" from Sakaki. Chiyo knelt down and began fiddling with the lock.

"Hang on a moment," said Yomi. "What do you want us to promise?"

Chiyo paused before looking up. "I want you to help me find the samurai who smells like sunflowers."

"Sunflowers?" said Tomo, somewhat confused by the strange request.

Right then, they all heard nearby footsteps. "Not over there? How about around there?" rang out a guard's voice. "Hurry!" hissed Kagura. Chiyo fiddled more frantically before hearing a metallic crack.

"What was that?" asked Yomi.

"The key broke." Chiyo's plan promptly fell apart, thanks to one stubborn lock.

"There she is!" The sound of running feet came nearer. Without missing a beat, Chiyo leaped onto her pet's back. She spoke a single verbal encouragement, and the great canine shot off into the night, carrying his mistress away from the pursuing guards.

"What was _that_ all about?" said Tomo to no one in particular, once the guards were out of earshot. Nobody answered her…well, Ayumu's exclamation of "Hey y'all, look! A wishing star!" hardly counted.

* * *

The shopkeeper sighed and gave in. His professional standards were no match for the heart-twisting ability of this adorably cute girl on the verge of tears. It would take a man of far greater willpower and restraint not to be affected by her. Still, he'd be as grudging as possible. "You're lucky I'm from Edo, otherwise I mightn't so generous. Take them, you little thief." 

"Really? Thank you, thank you!" Chiyo-chan launched herself at the shopkeeper and hugged him repeatedly, which he pretended to tolerate (it was one of those automatic macho things – there weren't even any spectators).

-( )-

If there had been spectators, heads would've turned. Fortunately for Chiyo, most of the town had already gathered for the execution. In different circumstances, the excessive bouncing movement in her chest area as she ran down the street would have been a source of considerable attention from everyone else and hence considerable embarrassment for her.

_I'm cutting this very fine,_ she thought. _The official notice I saw earlier said the execution's at sunset, and it's nearly sunset. I wish I had a better plan…this is just a diversion at best…but they're all amazing fighters…I really hope they're good enough…_A ladder leaning against a nearby overhang caught her attention. She slowed, trotted over and picked it up. With a single sentence of explanation to the owner on the roof– "Sorry mister, I need to borrow this" – she resumed her former course.

-( )-

The setting sun bled darker and darker red into the overhanging clouds, and a cacophony of crows replaced the cicadas as official background noise providers. Yomi shook her head before any thoughts of similarity between their lives, their imminent deaths and the current weather could creep in: _Yeah, right. Symbolic weather? Real life doesn't work that way. Besides, what does it matter?_

A glance to her right alerted her to a rather startling fact: Tomo looked unusually serious. Yomi had assumed her childhood friend would be laughing in the face of death, or challenging it to pointless competitions, or both. She looked to her left at the others as they stood in a line in the middle of the enclosure, surrounded by guards, waiting for the daikan to start the execution proceedings. Kagura sported a defiant look, Sakaki was consistently inscrutable, and Ayumu…was drawing patterns in the dirt with one of her feet. Yomi turned back to Tomo.

"Are you ready for this?" she asked, genuinely uncertain of what the reply would be.

Tomo gave her a wry smile. "Every morning, for the longest time now, one of the first things I ask myself is, 'Will this be the last day I see the sun rise?'"

Yomi gave her a considering look. _In some ways, she's still the same old Tomo. In other ways, though, she's definitely changed._

The guards forced them to their knees.

"The rurouni Tomo. The ronin Yomi. The outlaws Kagura and Sakaki. The murderess Ayumu. We hereby sentence you to death by decapitation, by means of your own weapons."

Meanwhile, Chiyo shoved and squeezed her way through the crowd at the enclosure's entrance, holding the ladder high up above her head. Tadachiki-san trotted in her wake. As she drew near the gate, she heard Ayumu-san's voice:

"_Ano,_ how should I put it…ah! _Nandeyanen!"_

"Fine," This was the daikan speaking. "Since you want it so badly, we'll send you to the next world right now!"

Chiyo gasped. Four of the five guards raised their appointed weapons. The largest, strongest one, who'd been assigned to Sakaki, made a valiant effort, his muscles bulging and veins protruding, before he unsuccessfully – and ungracefully - collapsed backwards, letting the zanbato fall clanking to the ground. The execution ground to a halt as the other four all paused.

Ayumu chose this moment to make an observation. This time, however, it was by no means seemingly irrelevant. In fact, it was directed at her executioner-to-be: "Your grips are wrong."

"Excuse me?" By now all attention had switched from the fallen guard to this new conversation.

"You're not holdin' them kodachi the right way. You've got your fingers all…" the slim girl ceased speaking, shook her head, stood up and slipped her hands out of their rope restraints. The lack of difficulty she displayed in performing this action rendered all spectators speechless and immobile (that is, except for Chiyo-chan, who was too short to see over the people in front of her, and therefore continued to struggle through the crowd).

"C'mon, I'll show you. I'm not gonna be executed by someone who can't even hold his weapons right." Ayumu casually took her swords from the shocked guard's hands. "See, your _left_ hand goes like _so…_an' your _right_ hand goes like _this…_and the _blades_ go…right through your neck."

Two thin red lines appeared across the guard's throat. A few trickles turned into a flood, and then gouts of blood sprayed out as the head fell backwards off the body's shoulders like a toppled domino. The rest of the corpse soon followed.

Ayumu sighed, her face and upper body sprinkled with red droplets. "I guess I shouldn't consider teachin' anytime soon, huh?"

"Kill her!" One of the guards had obviously recovered his senses, and his shout galvanized several others into action. Ayumu stepped over to sever Sakaki's bonds, ducking an attack from behind and skewering the attacker in one smooth movement. Sakaki grabbed the sword out of his hands as he slumped to the ground, and proceeded to lop the feet off another guard, before discarding the blade. She executed a roll to land beside her zanbato; grabbing the hilt, she stood up, and with a single mighty swing dispatched five more guards. Blood arced out in a semi-circular spray as bodies dismembered before the force of her blow, and a sudden breeze fanned her loose, shimmering hair out to one side.

Cue slow-motion, swing the camera all the way around. Zhang Yimou, John Gaeta, eat your hearts out.

While Ayumu was freeing Kagura and Yomi, Tomo had decided to be proactive. Kicking out with her metal-plated sandals, she swept her guard off his feet, smashed his face in and wriggled over to cut her ropes on her weapon. Within a few seconds, all five women stood in a circle, their weapons facing outwards, surrounded by a ring of guards. Tension levels rose.

"Hey Sakaki," said Kagura. "Let's see who can kill the most: you or me!"

"Um…"

"Ha! I'll kill more than both of you put together!"

"Forget that, Tomo, let's just get out of here."

"Oh yeah? You're on!"

"Idiots!" yelled the daikan, cutting off the repartee. "Don't think you can escape!" With this, he turned and ran, while the other guards all charged as one. Steel flashed, and the fight was on.

By this time, Chiyo had managed to plant her ladder against the gateway's roof, and had climbed a few steps up when she remembered something vital. "Does anyone have a light?" she asked the people below her. Almost immediately, a kind man lent her his pipe. Thanking him, she held it between her teeth, scrambled up the rest of the steps and began to ascend the roof, taking care not to slip on the tiles.

The five girls had split up to thin the enemy out. Yomi made a fake run for it, then stopped, turned,and took her pursuers out one by one. Tomo leapt over a guard's head and kicked off his back to land on top of the wall, then ran along it to jump through the upper window of one of the enclosure's buildings. As her enemies rushed in through the door, she dispatched them, unseen in the dimmer light. Kagura and Sakaki fought back-to-back, their oversized weapons carving a brutal path as they made for the governor, who was backing up against a lone tree. Ayumu proceeded to scamper around in a pattern only she could predict, seemingly vulnerable, but striking so reflexively and with such speed that her targets appeared to be dying of their own accord.

By this time, the governor was panicking. "What are you waiting for? Kill them! Kill them!" he commanded his men. Two more obeyed, only to be cleaved in half by the nodachi. He found himself facing a very angry Kagura holding a very large sword, for the second time in two days, and she'd already let him off once.

"W…wait!" He made a last-ditch effort, raising both hands in a pleading gesture and pressing his back into the tree-trunk. "Um, money! I can pay you as much money as you want, just let me live!"

Kagura raised her weapon. "Letting you live was a mistake I won't make twice."

With a single downward sweep, the little man was sliced in two. As each half fell a different way, Kagura tugged her sword out of the tree and turned it on another guard.

Chiyo had reached the top of the pointed roof when a "You there! Don't move!" from behind made her turn around. Two guards were creeping up the roof towards her. It was time to act. She reached into her kimono and removed two large, spherical starburst fireworks. The guards halted, exclaiming in surprise.

Down below, the deadly women had regrouped in the centre of the enclosure. "Shit, there's no end to them," Tomo ground out through clenched teeth.

"Isn't that what you wanted? No use complaining now," remarked Kagura.

"I'm not complaining! I'm making an observation!"

Sakaki spoke up. "Look over there," she said. The others followed her gaze to the gateway's roof, where they could see a small, pigtailed figure silhouetted against the red clouds. "Isn't that…"

Chiyo stuck the fuses of both spheres in the pipe's bowl. In a second, they were lit and fizzing. Turning around, she hurled the fireworks as far as she could into the enclosure. The balls landed, rolled and stopped. "Shut your eyes!" yelled Sakaki.

_KA-BOOM!_

All nearby felt the retort smack them in their chests like a hurled sack of flour. Blazing yellow embers burst out in a half-sphere, followed by an inner set of green ones. Some guards stumbled backwards, temporarily blinded by the initial flash of light, while others groggily sat up from where they'd been knocked down. Then the second firework went off, white with an inner burst of blue.

Some of the embers had set fire to the nearby structures. The crowd swiftly dispersed to deal with the emergency. No one noticed five figures slip away from the commotion, or the sixth and seventh that followed them.

-( )-

In a silent street near the outskirts of the town, the young women paused to take a look back. The fire was a distant red glow, and the clanging of the alarm only barely audible. There were no pursuers to be seen.

"Well," said Yomi. "That whole little experience was fun, in the way of the kind of fun that isn't."

"What kinda fun ain't fun?" asked Ayumu, immediately interested.

"Um…what I meant was…"

"Don't be such a killjoy, that was great fun!" exclaimed Tomo. "Besides," she said, turning to Kagura, "I killed _way_ more guys than you did!"

"Yeah, right. How many?"

"Erm…" Tomo faltered. "I can't remember."

Kagura snorted. "It was your idea and you can't even remember. Nicely done."

"Well, can _you_ remember how many _you _killed?"

"Um…not really."

Tomo grinned. "Excellent! We both can't remember! This game is tied!" She gave Kagura a thumbs-up. "However, we still haven't finished yesterday's fight." Readying her naginata, she lowered her voice dramatically. "Prepare to be beaten."

"By you? I don't think so." Kagura drew her sword while the others backed away. "Is this _really_ necessary?" said Yomi despairingly.

"Wait! Wait!" Chiyo ran up, Tadachiki-san bounding along beside her. "Have you forgotten the promise you made to me?"

"In a minute," replied Kagura. "Yeah, right after I kick her ass," said Tomo. Chiyo stopped between them and panted briefly.

"Hang on! What if you both kill each other? You can't help me if you're dead!"

"Good point there," remarked Yomi. Ayumu and Sakaki remained silent; the former was staring intently at Chiyo's pigtails, while the latter was inching surreptitiously closer to Tadachiki-san. However, neither Tomo nor Kagura seemed quite willing to back down.

"Fine," sighed Chiyo. "I tell you what." She reached inside her left sleeve and pulled out a coin. "I'll toss this. If it's heads, you guys continue your fight. But if it's tails, then you come with me. Does that sound fair?"

"Gimme that." Tomo grabbed the coin from the girl's hand, leant back, and tossed it up into the sky as hard as she could. Six pairs of eyes followed it up, shortly before losing it.

"Isn't that a bit much?"

"Unfortunately, she doesn't know the meaning of restraint."

"Ha! I'm Takino Tomo, and I've got more energy than anyone!"

"I wonder if you hit the moon."

"It's still not coming down." With that, naturally, it came down. Right in the middle of Chiyo-chan's forehead. _"Ite!"_

The others all began to peer at it, except for Sakaki, who was petting Tadachiki-san with an almost rapturous expression on her face. Before they could get a good look at it, though, a shout caught their attention. A troop of guards was hurrying up the road towards them, lanterns in hand.

"Damn," said Yomi, before leading the rest in a tactical retreat. Chiyo took up the rear, having paused to look at the coin, and was now shouting, "_Yatta!_ It's tails!" The edge of a paving stone caught her toe and she began to fall forwards, but Sakaki scoopedher up without missing a step as they ran off into the night.

**

* * *

**

THE END

**Psyche! To be continued? Well, maybe. I'm not ruling the possibility out just yet.**

**

* * *

Glossary:  
**rurouni - vagabond  
ronin - masterless samurai  
daikan - Edo-period prefectural governor  
"nandeyanen!" - "fuhgedaboutit!" (literally "why?", with an extremely belittling connotation) in the Kansai dialect  
"yatta!" - an exclamation of joy  
Tokugawa bakufu - a period lasting from 1603 to 1868 during which first Tokugawa Ieyasu and later his descendants ruled Japan  
dango - a sweet kind of dumpling, eaten as a snack  
Yagyu - a minor family with lands just outside Nara, who became swordsmanship teachers to the Tokugawa shoguns  
Edo - former name of Tokyo  
naginata - a spear with a curved blade  
Sanzu river - Japanese equivalent of the river Styx  
mon - old form of Japanese currency  
nodachi - shaped like a katana, but somewhat longer  
tanto - small dagger  
kodachi - shaped like a katana, but slightly shorter; often used by ninjas  
Ryukyu - the old name for Okinawa  
zanbato - a giant sword made during the warring states era, designed to kill horse and rider at once when facing a mounted opponent  
"yare yare" - "my oh my" 

**A/N: **It's weird how these things happen, isn't it? One moment I'm walking home by myself, minding my own business, the next I'm wondering, "I wonder what would happen if the AD girls were the main characters of Samurai Champloo, instead of Fuu, Mugen and Jin?" I kid you not.  
I don't know where this is going, but right now I don't mind. Oh, and kudos if you got the reference to a certain Takashi Miike film. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "There is no spoon", ne?


End file.
